Redefined

Layers

2012-02-14T21:47:00.001-08:00

Preparing for my walk this morning, I applied five layers – five – and yesterday morning I topped it off with a hat and scarf. Reminiscing on my time in Scotland and New Jersey, I felt a little silly wearing all these layers for a quick walk around the neighborhood. The winters I spent in actual frigid parts of the world required such layering on a daily basis.

After a few months of taking hours each day dressing for the weather (ok, this is an exaggeration), frustration for wearing so many clothes set in. Going to the bathroom is more of a chore when you have on hose and leggings and pants! Once, on my weekly weekend excursions to NYC, I defied the weather and wore only a long sleeved shirt and my coat – ha!; it was a gloriously chilly victory.

In these frosty parts of the world, you notice that there is a different definition for what is warm. While I was studying in Edinburgh, I met a Scottish friend in a café on a day in April. The weather was not near as cold as it had been and even I was only wearing a jacket (and a camisole and a long sleeved shirt . . . and a scarf), but I noticed many a Scot dressed in tank tops and skirts and other skin-baring clothes. I asked my friend if, in fact, people simply got used to the cold eventually. She said that, no, they realized it was still nippy out, but that since shop owners put the clothes in the shops, why not wear them! Well, I suppose that is a reasonable enough response.

Likewise, I realize that this morning was not actually a 5-layer-cold kind of day, but I have the clothes – why not wear them? Also, at 6 o’clock, it felt like a 5-layer-cold kind of day. I was tempted to bring my blanket along for the walk as well.

As a side note, I’d like to be in Edinburgh today. (And always.)

This one's for the girls?

2012-02-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

This morning I yelled at my uterus.

By the way, this message comes to you as a friend-approved post. Here’s the disclaimer: if you are male, you may have no reason to continue reading unless you simply want some female insight. (Maybe the disclaimer should have come before the opening statement?)

Anyway, in response to the screaming pain that my uterus was inflicting on me this morning, I yelled at her. Something like this:

“Ugh! Uterus, you are the most painful, disgusting and, as of yet, useless organ that I possess. You are lucky that society places such importance on you. If my appendix gave me this much trouble every month I would have it removed immediately!”

She continues to yell at me. Maybe she’s upset that I’m not putting her to good use. I can appreciate her desire to feel needed, but I still choose to ignore her pleas.

We both need chocolate to soothe our pain.

Soft Rock: Killing Me Softly

2012-02-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Lite FM, for simultaneously making my day and making me feel like an oldie.

I'm not sure when the Fugees became "soft rock" or when I started stopping at the soft rock station (on the regular) when scanning the radio. Nevertheless, I have been humming "Killing me softly" for at least 2 hours now and that makes me smile.

For your listening pleasure:

Re-thinking the Golden Rule, etc.

2012-02-01T17:02:00.001-08:00

(A note for Dad - yes, this post is long winded, you may skip it if you'd like.)

I was standing in the shower last night – it was one of those days when I couldn’t remember if I’d rinsed out the conditioner or not – and I had a brilliant thought. Actually, no, I‘m totally making that up. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were the kind of person who had brilliant thoughts in the midst of fatigue?

I am certainly the kind of person who sometimes can’t remember if she rinsed the conditioner, who forgets to look in the mirror before leaving the house on occasion, or who tries to remember if she put on deodorant from time to time (I almost always remember that I did, almost always). But any thoughtful thoughts that I have (rarely-if-ever brilliant) stem from much too purposeful and lengthy contemplation.

I did have a thought yesterday. It came as I was thinking about (drum roll) the future. I decided that I need to become less judgmental of myself. This thought isn’t that earth shattering, you say? There’s more. I need to be less judgmental of myself, not only because this will free me to be who I will become and accept whoever that may be, but also because I believe it will allow me to accept (and love) others more often/better/more deeply. Consider these notions:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In happiness and suffering, in joy and grief, we should regard all creatures as we regard our own self.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

One should seek for others the happiness one desires for himself.

All of these principles, from a range of traditions, presume this: that you are content with yourself, want what is best for yourself, and desire happiness for yourself. Then, understanding these things for yourself, you can apply such good will, service, and compassion towards others. Accepting yourself (loving yourself) is not selfish; it’s necessary, especially if you desire to, or simply as a leader/teacher/mother/aunt/friend/person-other-people-see, will influence others. Love yourself, and then you will know how to love others.

This is the goal: Understand that this is me. Here I am. Acceptance. Release judgment. Whoa.

And since I am adding this as my 10^th goal for the year, I will share with you my new favorite blog (except for yours, of course) – To Do List. There are other crazy list-ers out there! I am not alone.

(Welcome to my therapy session, y’all. If you want to keep me accountable to this, I’d very much appreciate it.)

Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
Let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia bluebell
¬-Miranda Lambert

Month 1 update

2012-01-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

It is the end of January. This fact seems unbelievable, mainly because it is 60+ degrees outside which makes it seem like it should be April, but also because I feel like only yesterday was New Year's day.

In case you were wondering, and I'm sure you are all burning with anticipation, thus far I am making little progress toward achieving any of the goals I have set for myself for the year. In fact, one might say that any progress I have made is negligible.

Is there a restart button on 2012? No?

Ok, 11 months left to get my act together.

The kindness of a stranger

2012-01-21T05:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I got a flat tire. I pulled into a parking lot. I looked at the thing. I made a vain phone call to my parents’ house – I knew no one would be home yet and it would have been ridiculous for my dad to drive to Decatur just to change a tire. But, everyone I know was probably still at work at 3:30 and/or lives too far away.

I resolved to change the tire myself. I can do this . . . even though I’ve never done it before . . . even though it’s raining . . . even though I’m wearing a dress. I can do this. I was determined. I began to empty the menagerie that is the contents of my trunk – a lawn chair, a sleeping bag, those freaking shoes I bought this summer. I pulled out the spare tire and jack and, as I visibly sighed, I saw a man pull into the parking lot. He said he had a few minutes until they call him in and asked if I wanted his help to change this tire.

This man is the best tire changer I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of tire changers – I’ve seen nine people change tires, actually. I’ve had eight flat tires on my car alone. (I’ve only been driving for 11 years; this seems like an inordinate amount.) Most people complain about my jack and the lowness of my car; most people break a sweat; most people take more than 15 minutes to complete the task. This man refused to use my sleeping bag to kneel on while he changed the tire. He did the whole thing squatting so he wouldn’t soak his blue jeans. Not a single complaint.

He wouldn’t know how grateful I was for that moment. It saved me from throwing quite the pity party for myself when I failed to change my tire and still had no one to call for help. He barely let me say thank you before he returned to his car and pulled out of the parking lot.

I had assumed that he happened to pull into the parking lot and was planning to enter the building we were standing in front of. Apparently, though, he had seen me struggle with the tire (I’m not sure how he saw that, the parking lot was down a hill) and went out of his way to help me. He changed his plans, without request and without complaint.

This is more than opening a door for someone or baking a pie for a friend. This is having the ability to see a unique need and taking very clear action out of no self interest at all. For someone you will never see again.

I long to become the type of person who displays such kindness.

The beginning of the end

2012-01-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

Oh, the smell of clove cigarette smoke wafting through the quad.

14+ hour days.

MARTA at night. (And all the remarkable characters you produce.)

Sweet, sweet caffeine addiction.

I will savor these last moments of my graduate school experience. I will. I will? I will.

A list for 2012

2012-01-04T14:29:00.001-08:00

Because January brings daily obligations back step by step and so I slowly am beginning to recharge my daily life. Because I am giving in to my incessant desire to prioritize. Because I can't stop myself from thinking about the future and setting achievable goals seems to quell my tendency to criticize, over analyze, and become a frenzied mess.

Ok, mainly it's because I'm OCD about list-making. I make a list for everything - scraps of paper flood my day planner and apartment; my computer and mind overflow with these lists. So here's a list for 2012 - goals:

1. Graduate with Honors. (Mom would be proud.)
2. Improve my posture. (Mom would be proud.)
3. Find a new source of (paid) employment/adventure. (I would be elated. And Mom would be proud.)
4. Exercise regularly. (I’m determined to utilize the school gym I’ve been paying for over the past almost 2 years.)
5. Perhaps go on more than one (bad) date. Perhaps. (And let’s be honest, Mom would be proud.)
6. Eat less ~~chocolate~~ ~~sweets~~. Nope. I can’t do this. Even typing this makes me want a pint of ice cream for dinner.
7. Do things I want to do without hesitation – i.e. go dancing, say what I think, ask for the things I want, reach out to people even if I think they may not care to hear from me. (Stop being afraid of making a fool of myself.)
8. Do something uncharacteristic of myself. (Surprise even me!)
9. Leave the country again. (I need this.)
10. Have at least one dinner party. (This falls under doing the things I want to do, really.)
11. Find something to replace #6. (Because 10 achievable goals is a nice round number.)

Reflection

2011-12-31T05:45:00.001-08:00

As the sparkle of the holiday season begins to fade, it is hard not to reflect on the year. Try not to, I dare you . . . This year has been the longest of maybe all of my life - so many changes and events. And I wish that it would go on and on. It hasn’t been perfect – far from it, but there were unbelievable moments I would wholeheartedly relive.

Regrets and failures, there were plenty. (And I do relive those words I wish I had said differently, those things I wish I had done, those steps I should have stepped better, over and over and over again in my mind. The failures replay on repeat.)

There was bad news and pain and illness. There were hospital trips taken that I wish hadn’t been necessary. There was the loss of a dear, dear soul. Pain resonates with memories. Wishes are made for wanting to do more, to heal pain, for a magic wand for those coping with lingering maladies.

There were joyfully welcomed additions to our lives – and more soon to come! There were sunsets so brilliant I still see them when I close my eyes. There was laughter for no reason at all, smiles for the best of reasons, heartwarming moments that make you believe again. There was wine and chocolate and meals shared with loved ones.

I am blessed beyond what I could possibly deserve for all the wonderful people I know – those new in my life who I’ve been so honored to get to know, those in my life that I cherish with every passing year, and those whom I regretfully do not see or speak to or email nearly enough, who are often on my mind and forever in my heart.

This year, I met a president. I went on safari. I got an A+ in Financial Management and in Statistics II. Good and rare things, my friends, good things.

I’ve learned much. I can only hope that I have contributed to the betterment of this world. I’ve seen realities of life –joys and heartaches, the simplicity of what life could be and the complexity of what we make of it. I’d like to believe amidst all of this, growth occurred. It sometimes feels as if I simply rewind all my struggles to replay on a rainy afternoon. Possibly, though, there was growth. I can’t imagine that I’ve done and seen and known all of these things, recognized that I have, and still haven’t grown. There must be growth. There must.

But I know that I was capable of so much more. I should have given more of myself; I should take more chances on myself, on others, on opportunities. I should allow myself to be more vulnerable. There are things I know I could have done better; I was capable of more, I know it. It’s hard to believe that there was growth when I know I should have been more.

As you get older, I think you realize that a new year is less of a fresh start and more of a foundation. You can’t dismiss all that has happened to you, all of your choices (good and bad), all of your woes and blessings, and begin again because all that stuff contributed to where you start from right now. So you have to recognize, and embrace, this past and this present in order to begin your future.

This is your starting block. Midnight is your start gun. Dive in. (Summer Olympics are in 2012, after all!)

Word Project

2011-12-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

My Christmas break project has been to look at the blogs I've blogged over the course of 2011. (Because analyzing my most recent pasts is more exciting than considering my near future...)

In case you haven't heard of Wordle, here's how it works: you put in a bunch of text; it gives you a picture; the most used words are large; the least used words are small.

This is the Wordle of all of my blogs this year:

Because I posted an inordinate amount of blogs about Tanzania, I also made one of the whole blog minus Tanzania and one with just Tanzania-related posts to control for extraordinary moments; and one pre- and post- Tanzania; and one of just fall semester. No matter how you slice it, the words 'think,' 'like,' 'life,' and 'people' are among the most prominent. Interestingly, 'time' ebbs and flows throughout the year. And 'know' is prominent in every one except the Tanzania blogs.

A bit of qualitative analysis tells me that I think too much. If I were a New Year's resolution-making person, I'd resolve to stop thinking so much. But really, that would just set myself up for failure.