Preparation

The sensation of having to urinate. I mean, when you REALLY have to pee. That has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

Peeing in a cup is one of my worst fears. Ok, maybe it’s not a fear, but I truly detest it. Confession: I have a shy bladder. I don’t like going to the bathroom when I know other people are around. It’s not crippling, I manage, but I had to acclimate myself to it over the years. The trick is to try not to think about it. (But please, if you are ever in the same public restroom as me, refrain from talking to me until I’m washing my hands.)

Anyway, she says in a quieted and shamed tone, producing a sample of urine on demand is a quest for the urinating-challenged – the pressure involved is overwhelming. So the last time I was asked to do so, I prepared myself. I made an early appointment. I did not head to the bathroom upon waking. I engulfed two large glasses of water and a jumbo thermos of tea in the fifteen minutes before I left for the lab where I was to produce the sample.

By the time I arrived, early, I was confident in my ability to achieve the task at hand. By the time my name was read and I was told that the lab where I actually made my appointment was down the hall on the left, I was confident that my bladder would explode leaving me dead immediately. (Why there are two separate medical labs on the same level in the same office building still baffles me.) By the time I signed the new log-in, explained my tardiness (“It happens all the time,” she said.), and sat down to wait yet again, I was dancing in my seat like a three year old with similar bladder issues. I really had to pee.

Crossing my legs, closing my eyes, trying not to think of it. If I went to the bathroom now, I certainly would fail to deliver. But it hurt to even tap my toes at this point. I HAD to go to the bathroom . . . was it possible to pee just a little bit to relieve this horrible, awful, no-good pain now shooting through my pelvis? Do I have enough control not to completely relieve myself? I have got to try.

I’m pretty sure that it is the absolute worst feeling in the world. Next time I’m feeling down or ill I’ll remind myself of that and see what my opinion is then. But, lessons learned. Know your limits when imbibing liquids. Peeing “just a little bit” is possible. When preparing, always account for wait time and the unexpected. And never, never prepare for elimination.