Reverie

On this lazy Sunday morning, with a pot of perfectly brewed coffee and a good book, I should be content in a reverie, lost in the morning’s coolness and the sounds of late summer crickets humming loudly. Later I’ll study and go to the grocery store and continue to search for something to fill my newly open schedule, but now I should be satisfied with the moment of calm and leisure that is presented to me. And I am… sort of.

But I don’t do well with calm and leisure, not really. I get anxious. I want something to do. This sort of calm lacks a sense of planned adventure for which I long. In this moment I fear that this is my future – that I will not be propelled into a life that I want. (Not that I truly know what the life I want is.) I am afraid that at some point I will be forced to accept a settled sort of position in life, and then life will lose its luster. But maybe that shine is fading already. Dreaming is becoming difficult day by day.

Some of my favorite memories have involved looking up at the sky. The clouds in Scotland; sunsets in Tanzania; the stars in Rome, GA. A certain goodbye kiss. Canvassing the ‘hood.

I think it has to do with the temptation of hope. These moments and images entice me to want to dream. But dreaming is beginning to seem more and more impractical.

Maybe it’s because past dreams have not come to fruition. And yes, mostly that’s because I’ve chosen different dreams to pursue. But there have been one or two distinct moments when I have been abruptly awakened to reality, dreams being ripped from my mind in a second. Sure, I have gone on to find new opportunities and experiences that I’ve frankly loved, but still I am apprehensive to dream again. I am afraid to want anything truly; I find myself simply accepting whatever falls in my path – and dismissing the things that don’t that I might have wanted.

I’m losing a sense of desire and reverie that I think I once had. I’m afraid this lends itself to a growth of apathy.

Free Will Astrology for Scorpio this week: “Rather, he’s content with the simple, familiar pleasures. I urge you to follow his lead as you imagine and create your own fantasy world this week. Love what you’ve got.” How do you balance loving what you’ve got with building a future? How do you encourage contentedness while staving off apathy? Can you?