Re: Shine

I was re-reading some older blogs in efforts to be inspired - inspiration to blog, inspiration to do things I ought to be doing besides reading old blogs, just inspiration. I don't think that I was inspired. I feel stagnant - like staid water. Nothing good comes from staid water.

But I was struck by a blog entry from February of this year (Shine). I think it mostly still stands true today. I suppose the depressing part of this fact is that it is half a year later (holy crap!) and I am still working on these same struggles. But perhaps the more hopeful (dare I say I am trying to be optimistic?!) perspective would be that I am still striving for the same goal - this desire/need to become a person who is sure of herself without the stench of pretension.

I maintain that this is no easy task. It's a frustrating goal because it involves so much introspection and balancing self-criticism with self-praise (this is something that surely should happen somehow). Constructive self-criticism, if you will - is this possible? It's much easier to simply criticize oneself, without constructing anything.

I used the metaphor of an antique mirror in the old post. Working to replace the warped glass - well I'm pretty sure that the first step in that process is shattering the old glass. Maybe this is where I am right now, carefully removing shards of glass one by one. Now to install that new self image (which I imagine is tricky) and then polish. Shine, damn it! SHINE. It is something to aspire to. And it's not easy.


A more touching quote than the last:
"Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down"

Reverie

On this lazy Sunday morning, with a pot of perfectly brewed coffee and a good book, I should be content in a reverie, lost in the morning’s coolness and the sounds of late summer crickets humming loudly. Later I’ll study and go to the grocery store and continue to search for something to fill my newly open schedule, but now I should be satisfied with the moment of calm and leisure that is presented to me. And I am… sort of.

But I don’t do well with calm and leisure, not really. I get anxious. I want something to do. This sort of calm lacks a sense of planned adventure for which I long. In this moment I fear that this is my future – that I will not be propelled into a life that I want. (Not that I truly know what the life I want is.) I am afraid that at some point I will be forced to accept a settled sort of position in life, and then life will lose its luster. But maybe that shine is fading already. Dreaming is becoming difficult day by day.

Some of my favorite memories have involved looking up at the sky. The clouds in Scotland; sunsets in Tanzania; the stars in Rome, GA. A certain goodbye kiss. Canvassing the ‘hood.

I think it has to do with the temptation of hope. These moments and images entice me to want to dream. But dreaming is beginning to seem more and more impractical.

Maybe it’s because past dreams have not come to fruition. And yes, mostly that’s because I’ve chosen different dreams to pursue. But there have been one or two distinct moments when I have been abruptly awakened to reality, dreams being ripped from my mind in a second. Sure, I have gone on to find new opportunities and experiences that I’ve frankly loved, but still I am apprehensive to dream again. I am afraid to want anything truly; I find myself simply accepting whatever falls in my path – and dismissing the things that don’t that I might have wanted.

I’m losing a sense of desire and reverie that I think I once had. I’m afraid this lends itself to a growth of apathy.

Free Will Astrology for Scorpio this week: “Rather, he’s content with the simple, familiar pleasures. I urge you to follow his lead as you imagine and create your own fantasy world this week. Love what you’ve got.” How do you balance loving what you’ve got with building a future? How do you encourage contentedness while staving off apathy? Can you?

Quilting

Someone asked me last weekend what my “dream job” is. (This is what I get for being in grad school.) I guess I once had a “dream job,” but alas, I have now abandoned such ideas.

I realized today that, of late, I’ve been living my life at about five months at a time. I suppose I aspire to live one day at a time, but that would require freeing myself further than I seem to be able to do. But five months at a time fits nicely with the academic calendar. Five months at a time seems to be just about the right amount of time to create an experience. I am working these five-month periods of time into something that resembles forward motion. Five months at a time I am piecing together a life.

I feel that these pieces of my life have been colorful and textured and many. Sewing them piece by piece, eventually, I assume, it will turn into a whole product – a beautiful, cozy, comforting thing that I will appreciate and cherish. This quilted life works itself as it will; and I shall hopefully find a way to blend the less desirable pieces among the more brilliant so that it is delightfully appealing.

Now to just pull together this immediate piece – what will the fall look like? The fall hopefully will be something in an orange-y yellow. January will then deal with itself in a pale blue. I suppose come May I will have to choose larger swatches of cloth.

Minor Characters

Back to my play…

My parents are likely to be featured as characters. They are characters, for sure. If the following conversation appears in a theater near you, know that it is factual. It happened last week.

(Two just-just-over-middle-aged people sit in their living room talking with their grown and college educated daughter. “Dad” speaks in a strong Southern dialect. “Mom” will be given a Midwestern accent, as this seems more wholesome.)

Dad: I wonder if Amber’s ever heard of Ted Bundy. Amber, have you ever heard of Ted Bundy?

Me: Of course I’ve...

(Voiceover: My parents seem to think that major events in history that happened in their lifetime are somehow only known through their own experience…)

Mom: (interrupting) Did they ever figure out if he was a psychopath?

Me and Dad: What?

Mom: You know, they say he was a normal kid.

Dad: What? The only reason he got caught was because he got sloppy with one girl.

Mom: (talking over Dad) I mean, there were some dead animals now and then, but overall, they say he was a pretty good kid.

(Voiceover: My parents also watch too many crime dramas.)

Dad: No, he was cra..Phyllis, he killed all those women. You know, he was a serial killer, Amber, he killed all those women.

Mom: No, I know he was crazy, but did they figure out what caused it. Didn’t someone do an interview with him? Or write something about…

Me: Of course someone wro…

Dad: (interrupting, voice a little raised) I don’t know, Phyllis, but they caught him because…

Mom: (interrupting) I think James Dobson interviewed him. I think he requested to be interviewed by him.

Me: Well, I’m sure that plenty of people have done res…

Dad: (interrupting) Phyllis, he was a sociopath, he raped and killed all those women.

Mom: (voice sounding a little agitated) Well, I know that, Mike. I’m just saying that there was some interview…

Dad: Phyllis…

(At this point the conversation is repetitive and in a play would segue into another, but this is just a unique sample of why the people in my life will lead to a great story.)

Like a mist

Today, my mind got away from me. This isn’t an uncommon phenomenon; I tend to let that thing wander as it will. Sometimes this is fine; sometimes it isn’t so fine – it sometimes gets stuck on thoughts that it ought not be messing around with. But today, it was simply surprising. In the middle of the day – not an un-busy day, I don’t know why my mind was unoccupied for even a second – in the middle of the day, out of nowhere, I thought of Robby. I think of Robby from time to time. In fact, I’ve blogged about the times I usually think about him (Speed Walking). But usually, the thought passes with only a smile and a sigh.

Today however, my mind stuck on him for quite a while. I didn’t know Robby very well – I mentioned that before, but I think that’s why I’m always a little surprised by how much I’ve clearly been touched by his short life. Maybe I thought of him today because my steps felt heavy with the weight of life. I’ve been in a funk lately for no apparent reason except that life is life. I began thinking of what Robby might be like if he were among our classmates. What might he be doing? Where would he be living? Would he be married and beginning a family, like so many are beginning to do?

I think I envision him as a fire fighter or a teacher/basketball coach. It seems to fit who he was when we were fifteen – kind-hearted, athletic, fun. But who knows what he would be. Think about what you were like, what you wanted when you were fifteen. Does it resemble what your life looks like now? Take a look at your facebook friends, the ones who graduated high school with you, the ones who graduated college with you. Are they where you imagined they would be?

Likely not. People surprise you. Life doesn’t go how you think it will. (As someone recently said, "It's amazing how many people want to be president and how many people don't become president." . . . Really? But that's for another blog.)

And like I said, I didn’t know Robby very well. Would he have made good choices? Would he have been an adventurer? Would he have overcome all the things that bog us down day-to-day with that smile of his? Would he cherish this life that we take so for granted?

I’m not saying that you should “live like you were dying” – so many people do seem to be living as if they are dying, with dread and trepidation and slothfulness – as if they are waiting for death. No, live because you’re alive – be as alive as you can be. I’m just saying that maybe you owe it to someone to have a better attitude and be the best that you can be. Maybe you owe it to yourself to enjoy every single day. You owe it to the people who love and care about you to pursue happiness with all of your heart. You owe it to the higher being of your choice to believe in something bigger than yourself. So, yeah. Carpe diem, why not?

Life is surprising. And short. Even if you live for another 60ish years, it’s only a blip. Do what you can, while you can. But sometimes that's harder than it seems. Do the best you can, I guess that's all we can really do. (Sorry for the philosophical mumbo jumbo/preaching lately…this is where I am in life.)

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” – James 4:14

Welcome to my Existential Crisis

Do you ever get that feeling that all of your motions are extremely rapid and you have to consciously make an effort to slow them down, but at the same time there is a sense of reality that tells you that you are actually moving at normal speeds? This is also accompanied by a feeling that everything else in the world is spinning at inordinate speeds and you are just trying to keep the pace.

Welcome to my existential crisis. I’m pretty sure that they would refer to this feeling as an anxiety attack in some circles. But I prefer an existential crisis; it seems more philosophical and more manageable somehow.

The cause of this crisis: future thinking. I’m in one of those gap-places again where I am forced to think of my next steps. And people are starting to ask me about what those next steps are, which might be the most anxiety-producing part. I’ve updated and reformatted my resume and have started sending out applications for things to do in the fall. (God forbid I just be a student.)

Reviewing your resume is the epitome of existential stress. It forces you to analyze your past, try to predict where you want to be in the future – both the immediate and long term, and then consider where you are right now. Look at these things I’ve done. Does any of it matter? Is it at all cohesive? Has it made any difference to the world, to my skills, to propelling me into the future? Where is it that I want to be propelled? What do I want to do with my life? Does it really matter? Why am I making the choices I am making? Oh.my.GOD.

RELAX, yo. Breathe and reboot.

Wikihow has a 24-step approach to dealing with this existential crisis:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-an-Existential-Crisis

My personal approach:

1) Coffee

2) Chocolate

3) Make a list

4) Make another list

5) Wine

*Supplement with additional chocolate as needed.

And you know what. It’s working. Life is what it is. And actually, it’s good. It's wonderful. I'm blessed with wonderful friends and family who are experiencing beautiful moments of their own. I do love what I am doing right now. I have had some pretty cool experiences. And surely, surely, there is something awaiting me in the future. SOMETHING…

Moment by moment it is all ok. Truly.